Putting a Stop to Capitalism

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I’m sure you’ve seen them on the news: those lazy, hippie-wannabies who are gumming up the commerce works of the United States by living like vagabonds and whining in the hopes that someone else will provide them with money they never worked for.

But enough about Congress.

The people who really have me disturbed are these “Occupy Wall Street” people. What bugs me the most about them is that they’re so far away. Unlike them, I have a job and—therefore—can’t take the time off to drive three hours just to mock them. Now, with Christmas coming up, it seems like it would be the perfect time to yell “Ho! Ho! Ho!” in their general direction but they’re just too far away.

Yes, on this drizzly winter day, I am calling for an “Occupy Dumas” if for no other reason than that on my way to my gainful employment I could drive through a big puddle and splash them. Not like it’s going to make them need a shower any more than they already do.

I suppose I shouldn’t make fun of these people, though. Some of them were probably hard-working people whose jobs have really felt their absence since they dedicated themselves to “speaking truth to power” and “sticking it to the man” and “getting someone else to pay for my student loan”.

Have you ever noticed that in all the stories we read about these people obstructing the hard work of other people, you never read any stories about businesses struggling because all of their hard workers are camped out at these things? Surely there’s a Dairy Queen somewhere that’s suffering because the back-up fry cook is popping pills in the city park instead of coming in to work. No, it’s like we’ve gathered all the useless people into downtown encampments where—if we’re lucky—they’ll stay and not interfere with the goings-on of the non-indolent.

What I have seen in relationship to this “movement” are a lot of pictures of people holding up a sign they wrote themselves on a piece of copy paper. Have you seen those, too? They’re kind of fun. You can tell they’re “cutting edge” and written by “rebels” in that they have decided to flaunt such societal conventions as grammar, punctuation, spelling and coherence. A typical one reads as follows:

“I am the 99%! I went 2 college and study hard and got to know a lot about the interpersonal relationships of various people-grupes by sleeping with them but now they tell me I am unemployable just because I never studied anything of value! I demand that congress pay off my student loan and free some political prisoner! I demand that the fat-cats and the 1% be hanged by their entrails and the port-a-johns be cleaned by someone OTHER than ME! And I demand, if there is/be any decency left in the whirled, that the PREZIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES sign an order that brings the TV show “Friends” back to the air!

“I am a moron, but morons are people, too!”

OK, I just made that last part up. They don’t claim to be people.

Anyway, as a budding humor writer I think I’ll miss the OWS and their constant whining. As they try to make us think they are in the vein of those brave students who gave up their lives in Tiananmen Square, or the courageous marchers of the ‘60s who got sprayed with water hoses for demanding that everyone gets to vote, remember that these modern-day chuckleheads are claiming they’ll need therapy for being yelled at.

Wouldn’t you like to be in on that therapy session?