My Advice Column

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I thought I would try my hand at writing an advice column this week but, since none of you received my telepathic requests for questions, I guess I’ll have to come up with my own questions just to get us started.

Q: My boyfriend has two daughters, 14 and 16, and now he wants me to marry him. Is it wise of me to get involved with him right now or should I wait until those awful teenage years have passed?

A: I think what you should worry about is marrying a person who gives his children numbers instead of names. Keep your ears open. If he starts referring to you by your telephone number, run—don’t walk—away from this relationship!

Q: Every night for the last week I’ve been dreaming that my house was being swept up in a tornado like in “The Wizard of Oz”. What do you think this means?

A: It means you were asleep.

Q. The book by L. Frank Baum was called “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” but the movie was called “The Wizard of Oz”. Why the difference?

A. The people who made the movie weren’t being paid by the word.

Q. Do all those “beauty tips” I see on the magazine rack at the grocery store really work? And, if so, is there one tip that is more important than all others?

A. Yes, many of those beauty tips do work. However, most “glamour magazines” and “women’s magazines” and just plain ol’ “magazines” leave out the most crucial beauty tip of all, as concerns physical beauty, anyway: be born beautiful. If you have naturally clear skin, perfect hair, are not prone to weight gain or painfully bad breath, and have a shape (and, preferably, body) that is shaped the way society likes, then the beauty tips will most likely work. If you don’t meet these criteria, then no guarantees are made.

Q. Why are all the singers I used to listen to in high school—those that are still alive, anyway—appearing at Indian casinos in Oklahoma and New Mexico these days?

A. Because Branson is full.

Q. When the government says they are only going to tax “the rich”, how do they define “the rich”?

A. Anyone with more than two pair of pants. And possibly less, if either of those pants have money in the pockets.

Q. My teenage son is kind, helpful and respectful to adults. He pulls his pants up above his underwear and doesn’t have any tattoos. Should I be worried?

A. Apparently. Such aberrant behavior is, according to all the popular entertainment this advisor has seen, some sort of warning sign. Be aware, your son might start working hard at a job or studying for school. If this behavior continues, he’ll have absolutely no chance of appearing on a reality TV show or running for office.

Q. When speaking of a thing, is the grammatically correct thing to say that it was “funner” or “more fun”?

A. Depends on the thing.