What's Your Analysis

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Researchers in England, who apparently have WAY too much time on their hands, have published a study which says that, when making an important decision—especially one of long-ranging consequence—we humans tend to do better with a full bladder than with an empty one.

The thought is, apparently, that having a full bladder puts the mind on high alert and puts our senses on edge.

I beg to differ. When I gotta go … I gotta go. If I’m somewhere where I need to make a decision and nature calls—say, at the bakery, trying to decide between the glazed and the chocolate covered—if I have to go, my goal is not to make a reasoned decision, but to pick the one they will take the cashier the least time so I can get to the restroom. If it’s a bigger decision, like which car to buy or who to vote for for president, then I’m going to stop by the restroom (or “the loo” as they say in British movies but probably not actually in Britain) so that I can approach the decision calmly and take as much time as I like.

Maybe that’s my problem. The next time I go buy a car or decide whether to run for President myself, maybe I should go to Sonic about an hour beforehand and get a Route 44 Dr Pepper (with chocolate). I bet it will improve the entire buying experience if I’m standing in the showroom, slightly hunched over with my legs crossed and a pained expression on my face.

“Do you want the optional leather floormats, Mister White?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” wince, groan, “Whatever.”

I’m sure we can all see that this research proves, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the colonists were on the right track when they broke us off from England.

And speaking of England, I’m sure we were all a-twitter over the recent nuptials of “Wills” and “Kate”, weren’t we? I think Americans are fascinated by this stuff because a] we don’t have royals over here and 2] we can’t figure out what all the buzz is about.

Seriously. As you watched the wedding didn’t you wonder what the big deal was? Sure, Will is the future king of England, but .,. so what? I remember reading about the Magna Carta (prequel to “Magnum P.I.”) in school and I’m pretty sure the monarchy of England has roughly the same policy-making authority that I do. Their “job” is to wear hats designed by Dr. Seuss and split time between seven or eight mansions, each one of which could accommodate the entire population of Dumas (though probably not the dogs because we are the “Stray Dog Capitol of Texas”).

And now that I’m onto (sort of) the subject of the Magna Carta, I bet the king that finally relented and signed it—if, indeed, it was the document that diminished the power of the monarchy (it probably wasn’t but I don’t feel like going to all the trouble of looking up the correct information because, well, … )—I bet he wouldn’t have signed it if he hadn’t been drinking so much wine (or, as they say in England, “Wine”) and hadn’t been allowed to visit the loo for the previous two hours. If he had had a nice, empty bladder, I bet he would have tossed the document back into their faces with a kindly, “Off with their heads” remark, or something along those lines.

As for me, I have much more I could say on this matter, but, well, I gotta go.