That Smells

  • user warning: Table 'tuttles.date_format_types' doesn't exist query: SELECT dft.type, dft.title, dft.locked FROM date_format_types dft ORDER BY dft.title in /home/public/sites/all/modules/date/date_api.module on line 2098.
  • user warning: Table 'tuttles.date_format_locale' doesn't exist query: SELECT format, type, language FROM date_format_locale in /home/public/sites/all/modules/date/date_api.module on line 2227.

What is the deal with all of these celebrities who are releasing their own scent? I saw a commercial just this morning showing Fergie—the lead singer for the “Black-Eyed Peas” (the band, not the restaurant or the food)—in one of her usual skimpy costumes and advertising her new perfume.

In spite of the fact that she was once the voice of Sally on some of the Charlie Brown specials, I have some questions I want to ask. For starters, the perfume is sold by Avon but is advertised as, “’Outspoken’ by Fergie”. What I want to know—and this goes for all these celebrities that have supposedly designed their own fragrances—did Fergie actually spend some time in a lab somewhere, mixing chemicals in the hopes of producing a concoction that a] smells nice and be] only accounts for minimal skin irritation?

I’m thinking this would have been quite a photo op. You’d have Fergie standing in some lab somewhere, in a short white smock (with, probably, fishnet hose below) and safety goggles looking all studious and intent as she mixes chemicals in a glass beaker. And imagine the bloopers as she accidentally combines a bootleg copy of Liz Taylor’s “White Diamonds” (or whatever it’s called) with something that’s probably the Colonel’s secret recipe and achieves a scent that reminds everyone of rotten eggs.

And speaking of bad smells, having never met Fergie, why would I want my wife to smell like her? Don’t get me wrong: Fergie may smell like spring itself … or she might not. I think this every time I see that one men’s fragrance that they claim was inspired by New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady. He is undoubtedly a very good quarterback and his visage seems to be popular with the ladies, but I’ve been in locker rooms and around sweaty football players—I’ve even BEEN a sweaty football player—and most people do their level best to NOT smell like an athlete. I wouldn’t mind being able to throw like Tom Brady, but I have no desire to smell like him.

And who wants their wife or girlfriend to smell like Cher?!? Now, again, I’ve never met her, but does her public image conjure up thoughts of flowers and baby powder or, I don’t know, the 6th Fleet?

I suspect that the reality is that these various scents were created by people who know what they’re doing in the scent-world and then someone in marketing went out and threw a bunch of money at Fergie, Liz, Cher or Tom for the rights to use their name. I guess this is because if they just put out a smell labeled “White Diamonds” everyone would ask the logical question of, “What the heck does a diamond smell like?!?! It’s a ROCK!” By attaching Liz’s name to it, though, suddenly images are conjured in one’s mind of romance, glamour, world travel and multiple failed marriages.

Which brings me to the scent I want to pitch. I have no idea what it would smell like, but wouldn’t “’True Love’ by Larry King” be a great name for a new cologne?