Spam Filters

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Who does “spam” work on? Now, when I say “spam” in this context, I mean “unwanted emails” not “unwanted meat.” My email provider has a spam filter, so I don’t see a lot of the junk email sent my way, but occasionally I’ll see that note saying, “We blocked 198 unwanted emails today!” and I’ll go see what they blocked, just out of morbid curiosity.

When I’ve done this, I’ve never found an email I wished I had gotten. So, again I ask, who are these for? In that spam folder, there will be a couple hundred unwanted emails, of which about a third are from people trying to get me to take out a loan with them. Who is there left in America that’s dumb enough to seek financial help from unknown strangers on the web? Wait a minute, I said that wrong. Who is it that’s crazy enough to accept the unsolicited financial help of a stranger on the web? It’s not that the knucklehead went looking for financial help; someone tossed him a fishing line and he grabbed it.

Another third of the unwanted emails will be for pharmaceuticals. According to the emails, I can get Viaggra and Seealice at a discount price. Now, let’s assume (incorrectly, thank you very much) that I need medical help for, well, you know what those pills are for, right? I don’t have to explain it to you, do I? ‘Cause, frankly, I’d rather not talk about it. This is a pretty important deal to most men, after all. So why would I trust one of my favorite body parts to a stranger who can’t even spell the medicine’s name right?!?! I mean! I’ve seen the commercials, I’ve noticed the fine print that says these medicines may cause all sorts of physical problems (like death!) so it would seem like buying them from someone who can’t even type would not be a wise use of my money or physicality.

And then the last third of the emails are just stupid. Home loans from banks in San Salvadore, chances to make “a thousand dollars a day while sitting at home” in my pajamas (ha! I don’t wear PJs!), and rare opportunities to have the widow of some deposed Nigerian general deposit 4 gazillion dollars in my bank account. Every one of these emails is just as dumb as it can be, chock-full of misspellings and information that’s so clearly incorrect it’s a wonder the phone line didn’t catch fire just transporting it.

Someone, somewhere, must be buying into this stuff or the people responsible wouldn’t keep sending ‘em out, right? Even if they’re sending out 1 million emails and only getting back 2 responses … who the heck are those 2 idiots and are they driving the same roads as me? Seriously, I don’t think these are people who “put their pants on one leg at a time just like me” because I don’t think anybody who would fall for these scams is bright enough to put on their own pants at all.

I would write more, but “Yahoo!” is telling me I just got an offer for a free 108 inch HDTV. I better get on that!