On-Line Shopping

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I like to shop on-line. I don’t necessarily buy on-line, but I do shop there occasionally. I can compare prices from a myriad of stores at the touch of a button, all while in the comfort of my own chair (in my own home, if I wish). And, in so doing, I can see amazing product after product that reminds me that we—as Americans—are both very inventive and kinda stupid.

For instance … ladies, I don’t know how many times I have heard one of you say that you would like to be both full-figured and slightly inebriated. OK, yes, I do know how many times: 0. But, if you are one of those ladies, you need worry no more because a company with the wonderfully descriptive name of “Cooler Fun” has created and foisted—I mean, “offered to the public” a product they call the Wine Rack. (See it at http://www.thebeerbelly.com/v/vspfiles/V4_Backup/winerack.asp) It’s a sports bra that can hold 750ml of your favorite liquid. (No, I have no idea how much that is in American.) Protruding from the bra is a rubber tube through which you can drink while running or dancing or whatever. And the company promises that the liquid will be equally distributed so that after, say, having drunk eleven ounces, you don’t look lopsided.

I guess this is for those women who have been really envious of that hat their husband wears with the two beer cans in it. I could see where this garment would be a wonderful boon to the single lady who really likes to pick up alcoholics because she can say, with all candor and no modesty … well, I don’t want to think about that. But I can see where it would be helpful if a woman doesn’t want to be picked up. Say an undesirable fellow hits on her by saying, “What’cha drinking?” I think she can get rid of him pretty quickly by responding, “Whatever liquid this is in my foundational garments.” I mean, I know that would have turned me off in my single days.

Who am I kidding? When I was single, it took a lot to turn me off if the girl in question was either a] not ugly or 2] smarter than your average fungus. It’s only by the grace of God that I found a wonderful woman and am not living in an 89 square foot house like this guy: http://vitality.yahoo.com/video-second-act-jay-shafer-20910192. Now, as someone who used to play with “Hot Wheels” and took three unproductive years of architecture in high school, I can appreciate the minimalization and miniaturization (are those even words?) of this man’s vision. I would like to take the full 18 second tour of the house in person but, honestly, if you can live your life in an 89 square foot house you’ve pretty much given up on other humans. In which case, you are probably a prime target for …

The “Cooler Fun” people also have a product aptly named “The Beerbelly”. This is an apparatus guys can wear to make them look fatter than they are. I’m not kidding. It’s like one of those fake stomachs actresses wear when portraying a pregnant woman except this thing is for guys and can be filled with beer (again, with a protruding rubber hose for drinking—I’m hoping the “Cooler Fun” people don’t make caskets). This way, the man about town can look overweight and pudgy without going to all the trouble of overeating. I hope it comes with an 800 number for a counseling center because this product has “hopeless loner” written all over it.

Ooh, I better go. There’s an article I need to read about a home fog machine.