• user warning: Table 'tuttles.date_format_types' doesn't exist query: SELECT dft.type, dft.title, dft.locked FROM date_format_types dft ORDER BY dft.title in /home/public/sites/all/modules/date/date_api.module on line 2098.
  • user warning: Table 'tuttles.date_format_locale' doesn't exist query: SELECT format, type, language FROM date_format_locale in /home/public/sites/all/modules/date/date_api.module on line 2227.

Love Languages

My wife recently found a book about “discovering your love language”. It is, from all reports (hers, anyway) a good book and is really opening her eyes. Mine, too, by proxy and whether I want them opened or not.

Naked People

As a phenomenally unsuccessful author of several novels, I began to look into the matter and try to figure out why my books aren’t selling. Now, I began with the reasonable assumption that my novels are the best-written and most-entertaining works of fiction on the market.

That being the case, why aren’t they selling?

Baby Boom!

Like many of you, I became aware—whether I wanted to be or not—that royal wife Kate Middleton-Mountbatten (that’s what her last name would be in the normal world, right?) was quite possibly going to give birth this past weekend.

Moving Reviews

Bring up the subject of movies with your friends and/or contemporaries. Go ahead. I’ll be here when you get back.

OK, how did that go? If your friends are anything like mine (which we’ll define as “normal”), most of them responded to your prompting by saying something like, “I used to go to movies a lot, but I haven’t seen one in I don’t know how long.” (If your friends didn’t say something like that—or even those exact same words—you don’t have “normal” friends and might want to think about getting some new ones.)


Sitting in a local restaurant recently (I better not say which one, but if you’ve ordered a chicken fried steak on a Wednesday, you probably know where I mean) and four young people came in. They were friendly and polite and well-groomed and all those things.

Potato Science

I remember seeing a guy take a fork, a regular potato, and a battery and make the potato glow. He may have also had some copper wiring.

If I remember right—and there’s no guarantee of that so kids don’t try this at home—he ran a wire from the battery to the fork, then jammed the fork into the potato and …

No, wait, I’m thinking there might have been two forks. And two sets of wires. So he created a complete circuit (or, possibly, just a circle) and made the potato glow. And not just glow, but it turned a lovely yellow-green color.

Food Fight

It has come to our attention that the mayor of New York City has taken it upon himself to tell people how much sugary soda water they can purchase on a given visit to the convenience store. Claiming he is only doing this for the benefit of his subjects—who are, he seems to think, too stupid to regulate their own food intake—he has capped their, um, cap at 24 ozzes.

Let’s Not Do It Again

I’m listening to "Jack & Diane" by John “Used to Be Cougar” Mellencamp and thinking how glad I am that being 16 years old wasn't actually the high point of my life!

I remember a friend of mine in 10th grade who was lamenting no longer being in junior high. Even at the time, it seemed kind of pathetic to already be living in the past. He would be my age now—assuming he’s still with us—and I really hope 9th grade wasn’t the high point of his life.

Summer Vacation, 2013 Edition (part 1)

OK, now that you have buffed and toned your body into perfect bikini shape (if you’re a woman) or beach Adonis shape (men) (of course you have), it’s time to plan on where to go for that all-important summer vacation.

Summer Vacation 2013 (part 2)

Twice a year, I get a very nice magazine put out by the wonderful people at Vail Resorts. In all honesty, I have only been to Vail (Colorado) once and the only part of the trip that sticks in my mind is that (I’m not kidding) while standing in the parking lot of the elementary school so our kids could play at the playground (the only free thing to do in Vail) a hawk dropped a snake on me.

Syndicate content