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My Advice Column

I thought I would try my hand at writing an advice column this week but, since none of you received my telepathic requests for questions, I guess I’ll have to come up with my own questions just to get us started.

Q: My boyfriend has two daughters, 14 and 16, and now he wants me to marry him. Is it wise of me to get involved with him right now or should I wait until those awful teenage years have passed?

My Writing Getaway Idea

I love the mountains and, therefore, I have this daydream in my mind where I go to a mountain cabin for a couple weeks and do nothing but write. This is, of course, a terrible idea.

If I ever tried, I know I'd end up just like the time Rob tried it on "The Dick Van Dyke Show". For those of you who haven't memorized the classics, Rob goes to the mountain cabin of a friend and ends up doing everything but writing. That would be me.

Fans

I was in a store recently that had a brand new kind of fan. Except that it wasn’t a fan. It was an “air multiplier”. What does an “air multiplier” do? The same thing as a fan.

If you stand in front if it, it feels like air is blowing on you. I don’t know how it works, because it doesn’t have blades. You can stick your hand right through the middle of it and, not only will it not cause you to bleed as a normal fan would, as your hand passes through the middle of the “air multiplier” you’ll feel the “wind” on your “arm” but not on your hand.

Insult to Real Spam

My other website (www.garisonfitch.com) is being inundated by spammers. Someone tried to explain to me how this works, but it didn’t click with me. Something about the spammers getting paid just for landing their ads—even if only temporarily—on websites.

How do I know they are spam and not actual letters? For starters, the “author’s” name is something like Buy-cheap-drugs@discountHigh.com. Second, they’re not actually commenting on the blog posts in question. They are posting such pithy missives as “Cheap Vie-agra and Oxy-somethin!”

Question About the End of "Some of the Time"

I got a letter from Amazon today because a reader of mine has written in to say that “Some of the Time” is incomplete and could they contact me and find out what happened to the rest of the story. This same person has also posted a similar message on a couple message boards. They seem to really enjoy the book and are almost in distress over what they perceive to be a mistake on the part of the publisher.

Why they haven’t gone to this website (which is listed in the back of the book), clicked the contact button, and written me I have no idea.

Fashion Show

For just sheer I-don-know-whatsis, you need look no further than your nearest fashion show. As the models prance up and down the catwalk, wearing the latest haute couture (French for, I think, “mint julep”), and men and women sit seriously in the audience jostling for a closer look as they scribble furiously on their pad of complimentary paper, you can’t help but think the same thing every other normal person in the world is thinking upon viewing such a sight:

“What?!?!”

T'at's OK by Me!

I was at a [prominent but name withheld due to copyright issues] water park in Dallas last week, which was why I forgot to turn in a column. Standing in line, I was reminded of a summer twenty-five years ago when I was standing in the exact same line with the Dean of Students of my college. In theory, I was a leader and we were “showing the freshmen a good time” but in reality I was there for one reason: the chance to see a freshman named Teri in a bathing suit.

I want the BIG tv!

What has happened to TVs lately? I’m not just talking about how flat they have become. That’s a pretty cool feature. Even though they are bigger, they take up less space in the room.

And boy are they bigger!

I remember growing up in the last household in Abilene, Texas, to get a color TV. Now, my family liked TV. Don’t get the idea that we were one of those families who only had one to be turned on in the event of an emergency (like an impending tornado) or Dallas Cowboys games. We enjoyed watching TV, often doing it as a family.

Sad Day in Tuttle's Land

It is with a heavy heart that I report the demise of two of the daily papers that have been carrying "Tuttle's" these last few years. It's a sad day for me 'cause papers aren't supposed to fold. Well, they are, 'cause they're made of paper. I just didn't expect two of the best papers in the world to fold this way. RIP Denver Daily News and Vail Mountaneer. May all your workers find jobs soon!

Political Expediency

I have a very good friend with whom I occasionally discuss politics. We agree on many of the small details, but in a big detail way, we tend to vote for opposite parties. For, while there is so much we both want to see from and in our country, he thinks that can be best achieved through a large and strong central government whereas I, on the other hand, believe the better solution to be a small government or—barring that—anarchy.

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